Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
