and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
