shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
