And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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