its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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