Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Pooping to opera.
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