i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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