one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
