He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize