Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
