Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
