We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
