took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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