So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
