this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
