I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize