so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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