dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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