i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
