Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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