I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
