Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
