I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
