So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
