Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
