20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
two words...techno handjob
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
