i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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