Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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