John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
