literally had 100 drinks last night.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
