i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
