I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
