elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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