The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
