New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
