If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
