I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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