I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
