I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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