This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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