Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
