So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
