Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
