I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
