She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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