im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
