I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
