Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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