you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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