My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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