sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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