I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
