Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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