I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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