I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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